First, let me begin by telling you that I believe that 99% of the advice that you see out in the ether about what to eat while working out… Is fucking bullshit. It’s designed to get you to purchase whatever crap is cycling through the ad-space on the page you’re visiting. And while I’d be more than happy for you to buy whatever crap is currently cycling through this page, honestly I don’t give a fuck. I have a job and I’m just sharing the intellectual wealth here, baby! Go ahead, don’t buy a fucking thing and see if I care.
Or… It’s by some asshole that calls himself by some officious title like “Sports Nutritionist” or “Dietary Specialist”. And really what that means is they didn’t want to get a real degree, so they wasted a bunch of money on some bullshit education loaded with antiquated, inaccurate, information, and it’s going to really amount to a hill of fuck, as it pertains to you.
So I’m about to roll out the rules for bulking up on the cheap. And the reason I know that this information is not only going to thrill you, but actually provide you with some helpful, common sense, information that will provide you with a useful dietary foundation for building muscle, is because I lived it. And fuck you if you’re one of the people that are like “Oh that was a hell of a run-on sentence!”. Get used to it. If I could write, I’d do this professionally. But I can’t, so I don’t. So there are going to be a few of those here and there. But if you read them, I think we’ll all be a lot better off.
I can’t say enough about Milk. But I am going to say some shit. STOP BUYING PROTEIN SUPPLEMENTS. Just stop. They are expensive, not nearly as effective as you think they are, and they taste like someone farted in your mouth. I want you to repeat after me: “I’m not going to be a stupid bitch anymore, and buy those disgusting protein supplements.” After you’ve said that out loud, it’s time to tell you why. Most of that swill gives you anywhere from 8 to 10 grams of protein, typically whey sourced, per 8 ounces. Well, Whole Milk, AKA Vitamin D milk, gives you roughly the same amount. 20% from Whey, 80% from Casein. We’ll get to why that’s NOT important later. So yes, what I’m in fact saying is that if you intend to drink a fart tasting pile of liquid chalk for 3.00 a bottle, instead of 16 ounces of cold, delicious, .50 per double serving, of milk, after reading this… Just stop reading and get the hell out of here. Because you’re too fucking stupid to be educated and I’m seriously going to be furious if you waste any of the bandwidth on this site. And I hope you get herpes. Or have a flare up. You’re already making me angry.
Why is the fact that 20% from Whey and 80% from Caesien is not important? Because the whole “Slow Protein VS Quick Protein” argument is a bunch of stupid bullshit. It’s fucking protein. And unless you have a little baby squirrels stomach or like Diverticulitis or something or some other wimpy reason why you can’t get your shit together and digest the same speed as the rest of us… I don’t want to hear anymore about it. It doesn’t fucking matter. You’re body isn’t RAGING through protein SOOOO fast that to accommodate your abnormally studly hypertrophic needs, that you just HAVE to like digest that shit at an accelerated pace. Because if it was, and you were, then you’d be super-healing, and you’d be Wolverine, and already buff as shit, and you wouldn’t be reading this dumbass blog, now would you?
Not only does Milk have a wonderful protonaceous profile, it has the perfect amount and ratio of fat, calcium, and sugar. You need the calcium so that your bones bulk up with your muscle load. You need the fat for so many reasons, and so many that are contrary to popular belief that I’m going to write another essay about that in the future. You just need it, for now. You need the sugar to meet the caloric needs pre and post workout. There’s other crap in milk that’s super awesome important too. So stop being fucking stupid and drink some while you’re reading the rest of this crap.
Milk is also almost 90% water. That urine you buy in those protein shakes is not. In fact I don’t even know what that crap is. But drink a gallon of milk a day, and not only are you on your way to consuming enough protein, minerals, vitamins, and calories, to bulk up… But you’re getting damn close to avoiding the mistake of so many athletes. Dehydration. Yes that’s right. Get all dehydrated and you won’t build shit, dummy.
So in case you’re a fucking retard and need me to recapitulate: Drink a gallon of Whole Milk per day as part of your bulking nutritional regimen.
But “Oh” you say…”I’m a whinny bitch and I get the splat farts and my stomach cramps up like I’m having my period, because I’m lactose intolerant!”, right? Yeah well first off, half of you are wrong. Half of you have Candida and you’re causing a flourish, and throwing the balance of necessary flora off in your stomach and are confusing that with Lactose Intolerance and just need a good probiotic. The other half of you… Suck it up. No just kidding. Hah. That would be hilarious though. You’d listen to me and suck it up and drink a gallon of milk and then go to work and shit your pants and dirtybutt all over the seat at work. Oh man that shit would be funny. But yeah, no don’t do that. Suck it up by spending a little more on Lactose Free milk like Lactaid brand, or buying a Lactase Enzyme Supplement pill. That’ll set you right up and you won’t have to shit your pants to follow my advice. Which is always good.
Really, think of it this way. At what point in your life was it most important for you to bulk up? Oh well that would be when you’re like born. And what do you drink then? You drink Milk. Why? Because it’s got all the right shit in it, in all the right ratios, for all the right reasons, to build a body.
Honestly I’m already getting angry just thinking about what I’m going to say. Because without a doubt, some of you have already thought “But Oh, the cholesterol!”, and are so oblivious to the fact that the bullshit, pharma-inspired, insipid nonsense, about Cholesterol, has been heavily litigated in modern health discussion, for the better, and the egg is back in fashion because it’s fucking awesome. First, dietary cholesterol has very little to do with physiological cholesterol. Second, eggs have the good kind. Third, you’re stupid if you don’t know this already. Anyways… Eggs are awesome.
You’ll know when you’re eating enough, when your farts smell like there’s a natural gas leak in your house. Eggs are so damn good for you, that one single chicken egg actually has every single protien that your body needs. They are rich in Iron, phosphorous, selenium, A, B12, B2, B5, anti-oxidants, trace nutrients, choline, I could go on…
If you’re one of those morons that think you’re only going to eat the whites… You know the drill… Stop fucking reading.. already making me mad.